


silent screams

by introverted_satan



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Depression, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Tried, Other, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, YDsucks, atte, give peri a hug, she sad, so message recieved did no happen, this was written immediately after "too far"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 13:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6611515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/introverted_satan/pseuds/introverted_satan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peridot takes a seat in her favorite room, only to be met with a memory she had tried to forget a long time ago. Her memories keep eating at her mentally and physicaly. She starts questioning herself and the gem she had always looked up to. this is a collaboration between myself and Pink and Dazz from fanfiction.net, go check her out pls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	silent screams

**Author's Note:**

> it is a bit long, but i hope you enjoy!

Peridot stepped into the bathroom in the Steven's small home after a long day of working on the drill with those 'Crystal Clods'. The green gem was exhausted and definitely not happy, but at least she was safe in here. In this small, strange room those gems couldn't bother her. She could be alone, at least most of the time. There was the Steven, who came in every now and then, needing to use the room for some reason. But other than that Peridot was alone and safe here. Of course she would much rather be on Homeworld, where there wasn't a Cluster about to tear apart the planet and no Crystal Gems to worry about, but this was the closest the green gem would be to safety on this stupid rock.

The green gem settled down against one wall of bathroom, letting her thoughts drift for a moment. She thought of Homeworld. The magnificent planet she wanted more than anything to return to. Peridot reminisced, thinking of all the wonders of her home. The glory of Homeworld, full of highly advanced technology and all the time she had spent there, where she had been happy.  
But then there was something different. A terrible thought that seemed to slowly weave its way into her mind.

A thud. Pain shooting through her body. Fear filling her...

"Stop!" Peridot commanded herself quietly, clutching her head with one hand. "No. Don't think about that." She mumbled. "Forget it."  
The green gem stood with a sigh, still telling herself to forget. Not to think about it. She exhaled a shaky breath, satisfied. Peridot, not wanting to return to thinking again and not sure what else to do, climbed up onto the counter where the Steven kept many of his odd, useless items. The green gem looked at them for a moment, not able to make sense of any of it, but glad to stop thinking.  
As Peridot looked over the strange assortment of items something caught the corner of her eye. Her reflection in the mirror. The green gem looked up at it, gazing at the figure reflected back at her, but winced as she noticed the large swollen bruise on her cheek. The one that Pearl had caused. She reached up to touch it gently. It felt... Familiar. Peridot rubbed the bruise, wondering why it felt so familiar.  
Her green eyes widened as she remembered, the same thing she had been trying to forget moments ago.

XXX  
There was a loud thud as a foot collided with a young Peridot's stomach as she fell onto the ground. The green gem looked up at the figure looming over her, shaking in fear. "I'm s-sorry my d-diamond." She stuttered, her eyes wide with fear as she gazed up at her superior, Yellow Diamond. "P-please. I-I didn't mean to! I-"  
The green gem was cut off as she was punched in the face. Pain shot through her cheek and she reached up and clutched it gently, tears welling up in her eyes.  
There was silence for a moment. Then the sound of footsteps moving away. Peridot looked up, seeing that Yellow Diamond was gone, leaving the green gem alone on the floor, taking deep breaths as she held in her tears.

XXX

Peridot awoke from her trance like state, finding herself on her knees on top of the counter, hyperventilating. Her bruised cheek was in pain as she held it firmly with one hand. She quickly let go as she realized she had been pressing on the bruise, causing the pain. The green gem forced herself to take deep breaths as she contemplated the strange memory.

'Memory..?' That couldn't be right... Had Yellow Diamond, the gem she had always looked up to, really treated her like that. No... It couldn't be true... Could it? 'Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me.' Peridot thought quickly, hoping that it was a plausible explanation. 'I wouldn't be surprised after being stuck on this pathetic excuse for a planet for so long.' But then why had it seemed so real? Was it?

Peridot's mind was an endless cycle, questioning what was the truth over and over again. Whenever she settled on an answer her mind presented a counter argument. The green gem wasn't sure what was the truth.

There was one fact that Peridot was sure of. She was afraid. Afraid of being hurt, punched, kicked. She was afraid of the pain and of the agony. But who exactly was the green gem afraid of? Yellow Diamond? Pearl? Maybe everyone.

XXX

None of the Crystal Gems seemed to notice anything different with the green gem the next day, though Peridot felt sure that her tone had been shaky and full of fear, and she could've sworn the others noticed when she glanced at them nervously out of the corner of her eye. It was just another day. Some progress was made on the drill, but Peridot felt nervous and distracted. Several times she found herself silently pondering the strange 'memory' of Yellow Diamond. The green gem wasn't sure what it all meant.

XXX

Peridot walked into the bathroom, exhausted after another day of work. The green gem laid down on a pile of Steven's shirts, glad for a chance to relax and be safe, but it didn't last long as she quickly began thinking about that strange 'memory' again, her mind falling back into the cycle of questioning whether it was real.

It wasn't long before Peridot felt another memory drifting into her mind. Though she tried to stop it there was nothing she could do.

XXX

The young gem was rummaging through cabinets, looking for anything she might be able to use. The green gem wanted to do something useful. She wanted to prove that she wasn't as pathetic and useless as Yellow Diamond thought she was. Then a loud voice boomed behind her.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" The small gem didn't have to turn around to know who was behind her. she clumsily dived under the cabinet, letting out a faint, fear filled whimper. She hid there, her body shaking in fear, But a large hand gripped her arm and pulled her out into the open. Yellow Diamond held the green gem up in the air, her yellow eyes narrowed in anger.

"I SAID, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" The large gem demanded.

"I-I'm so sorry..I..just th-thought I could..do something u-useful!" Peridot blurted out truthfully.

Yellow Diamond let out a short, mean laugh, dropping the fear stricken gem onto the ground and putting her large foot on her. The yellow gem pressed down on the smaller, green one. "Useful? You're anything BUT useful! If you can't fight then you might as well be unable to build.." the yellow gem sneered, pressing her large foot harder on the tiny gems back, making her whimper in response.

Peridot writhed in pain, trying to speak as the foot was pushed harder into her back. "I-I'm so sorry my dia-mond.." the young gem managed to whisper. Apologizing seemed like the smartest option at the moment.

"You better be. You better have not taken anything! Not without my permission, you pebble!" Yellow Diamond said, glaring down at the smaller gem for a moment before lifting her foot and leaving with a smirk on her face.

XXX

Peridot was jolted back to reality with a sharp intake of breath. The green gem shivered in shock and fear as she took deep breaths. "It happened again." She said in a whisper, her bright green eyes wide with terror. She quickly stood up, jumping off the pile of red shirts and paced on the cold tile floor. "Why does this keep happening?" She asked herself. This was only the second time, but it confused the green gem. Why was this happening? Were these really memories? Had Yellow Diamond really ever treated her that cruelly? Questions bombarded her mind.

The biggest question, the one that confused her the most, was what was causing this. If the green gem could figure that out maybe she could at least stop these horrible thoughts that kept drifting into her mind. 'What's the same every time this happens?' She asked herself as she paced around the room.

The bathroom. That's the only thing that had been the same both times it happened. So did the bathroom cause these strange memories to barge into her mind. It seemed unlikely, but it was the only logical thing Peridot could think of. But that meant the bathroom wasn't safe for her anymore. If these terrifying thoughts were going to plague her mind every time she walked in then she didn't want to be there.

Peridot cracked open the door to the bathroom, looking at the dark house outside. There were no lights on and the only sounds were the Steven's snores. It made the green gem nervous, causing her to wonder if it was really any better out there. She wasn't safe from the Crystal Gems out there, but she wasn't safe from those terrible memories inside of the bathroom. Peridot weighed the pros and cons carefully.

She stepped out of the bathroom and closed the door quietly. The green gem tiptoed across the room quickly, sitting down on the couch.

XXX  
Peridot was working on the drill, but hardly paying any attention to her tasks. The green gem couldn't focus  
for a moment. The questions kept creeping into her mind, repeating to an endless cycle of questions, answers, and arguments. Every time Peridot managed to banish the terrible thoughts to the back of her mind they just returned, getting worse and distracting the green gem even more.   
There was no end to it.  
Those 'memories' seemed too real to just be simple hallucinations.  
Everything was so realistic. She felt every jolt of pain and injury as if she had experienced it before.  
'As if I've experienced it before..?' It couldn't be real... It just couldn't... But then why did it feel so real? Why was everything so realistic? Everything, the pain, the fear, the emotion. It was all too familiar. Familiar to the point that you couldn't know the feeling if you haven't felt it before.

Peridot's eyes widened with fear and realization. 'It can't be real... It can't...' She told herself quietly, but it wasn't helping. The green gem froze, the hammer she had been holding falling to the ground. 'It's too real...' Her train of thought was interrupted as a finger tapped her shoulder gently.

"Hey Peridot, are you okay?" Steven asked, his voice filled with concern.

Peridot whipped around, her eyes still wide "H-huh y-yeah I-I'm..." The green gem started stuttering nervously before taking a deep breath and speaking quietly in a calmer tone. "I'm..fine." She tried making her voice sound cheerful and calm.

Steven wasn't very convinced, "Are you sure? Because you really don't look fine, you seem scared, what's wrong?" The half gem's eyes were filled with worry for the green gem.

Peridot sighed, slightly frustrated. "I. Am. Fine. Okay? I just.." She quickly searched her mind for an excuse. "I just accidentally hit myself with this device" she lied, picking up the hammer she had dropped a moment before and pointing toward it with a nervous smile.

Steven raised an eyebrow, but walked away, still watching the green gem out of the corner of his eye.

Peridot let out a small sigh of relief as she watched Steven walk away. She wasn't sure if she'd managed to convince the Steven but she was happy to have him off her back, at least for now.

XXX

It was dark in the Steven's home that night as Peridot sat on the couch. Just like last night the only sounds were Steven's snores as he slept peacefully above, and just like last night peridot found herself sitting on the couch, trying her best not to think of the memories. Of course, like usual, all efforts were useless and the green gem's mind fell back into the viscous cycle.

'It couldn't be real...'

'But it had to be...'

'How could Yellow Diamond have treated me like that...?'

'But then why was everything so familiar..?'

She couldn't stop it. It happened again and again, the miserable thoughts and memories consuming her mind. There was no end to it. Peridot soon found herself submerged in another painful memory.

XXX

The young, green gem was sitting alone in some medical room, wincing as she wrapped some bandages tightly around a deep gash in her left arm. She was covered with scrapes and bruises, all of which were the product of her latest fight with her superior. As Peridot finished wrapping her arm she reached up to her cheek, where a thin cut ran down her face and glanced down at her ankle, where another small wound was. Shame filled the green gem as she thought about her injuries, knowing they were all the fault of her own stupidity and incompetence.

"Maybe next time I should work on making the robonoids legs a little stronger, the one I made could barely hold its own weight..." the tiny gem whispered to herself in a flat tone, trying not to display the guilt and humiliation she felt. "I... I Guess I deserved it, after all, I-I can't do anything right." The green gem mumbled, her gaze falling to the floor. "Sh-she gave me one chance to d-do something useful a-and I couldn't even do it. I couldn't do it right..." Tears began to sting in the corner of Peridot's eyes. "She was right... I-I am useless... I'm stupid... Pathetic... Hopeless... Sh-she's right to think I'm useless." The green gem insulted herself quietly, her voice beginning to choke up. "But I-I didn't expect her to bring her weapon out, but I-I guess I deserved that too.." The green gem birdied her face in her hands, trying to hide her shame and self-pity. She didn't want anyone to see her like this, but she let the tears fall out of her eyes slowly.

XXX

Peridot snapped out of her trance slowly this time. She still felt tears stinging in her eyes her breath was heaving with sobs. The green gem had barely noticed the change from memory to reality at first. As she realized it was over she took deep breaths, trying to relax her tense and shaking body.

'This is the third time...' The third time. Three time this had happened now and nothing had been able to stop it. 'Yellow Diamond called me... Useless..?' Peridot was struggling to believe it, but at the same time it wasn't hard for her to believe.  
There was nothing that the green gem was sure of. Not anymore. Not since this began. Nothing was solid. There was no concrete evidence of anything. That had all been taken away from Peridot since the first memory. Everything she was sure of she now questioned. There were no answers.

It was torture. Complete and utter mental torture.

Why did it hurt so much, like a terrible, throbbing headache that wouldn't go away.. It wasn't something physical that could be treated, nor was it some sort of sickness or virus. It was a type of pain that couldn't be fixed simply with medicine or rest. It was all mental.

And it was too much for Peridot. The green gem couldn't deal with the stress this put upon her. It was unbearable, a weight bearing down on her mind with no end.

There had to be something she could do. Some way to end the madness. Peridot had told herself there must be a solution a million times now, but had one appeared? Nothing. Nothing but more terror and agony.

But then the green gem remembered a small box of razors that she had stumbled upon among the cabinets of the Steven's bathroom.

So maybe she could turn that mental pain into something else...

XXX

As the days went on Peridot did her best to hide the small slashes on her wrist from the gems and the Steven. The last thing the green gem wanted was for them to know about her 'situation'. She could clearly handle this on her own. She didn't need help from those dirt-bombs. She would be fine on her own. She would get through this.

At least, that's what Peridot kept telling herself. She wanted to believe it, she really did, but the green gem couldn't deny that it hurt. Every part of her, from head to toe, and even it the deepest depths of her mind hurt.

it was like being suffocated. The pressure grew and grew, never giving her a moment's rest. It hurt. It hurt too much. The pain had been unbearable from the beginning, and it only got worse as time went on.

Every day was the same, with little change or alteration. Peridot would try to work, to distract herself, but she was too busy to get anything done. Too busy thinking. Too busy hiding her injuries. It was torturous. Another torturous cycle slowly consuming her.

Every night she'd meet another new, twisted memory. She'd awake, her thoughts consumed by the new horrors she had witnessed. She'd stumble away into the bathroom, and when she returned there would be a new set of thin slashes on her wrists. Every single night it continued, over and over. A cycle of pain, mental and physical, repeating and repeating. It hurt.

And Peridot began to believe she deserved it too. She thought she deserved this pain and suffering. She KNEW she deserved it. She deserved every moment of the agony.

Peridot slowly felt herself losing emotion. She didn't care anymore. She didn't care about anything. She was falling apart, but it didn't even matter.

XXX

One night Peridot sat on the couch as usual, an assortment of tools on the table in front of her so she could tinker a bit, hoping it would distract her. Just for a moment, that's all the green gem wanted. A moment of peace. A moment where she could pretend she wasn't the pathetic, useless little gem she really was.

It didn't work. Nothing worked. There was no way out of the misery. There was no way out of the pain.

Peridot found herself glancing down at her wrists, covered in thin cuts and slashes from her elbows to hands. She sighed, not knowing what to think of herself anymore.

A large part of her wanted it all to go away. All of it. She wanted nothing more than to just disappear. She was tired of the pain, both from the memories and that she had inflicted upon herself. That part of her didn't care about Homeworld anymore, nor did it care about destroying the cluster. She just wanted it all gone. She wished she could just... Cease to exist. Or die, that would be fine too.

Another part of her felt like she deserved it. All of it. The memories, the cuts, the agony. That part of her wouldn't let her disappear because then she would receive the suffering she deserved. It wanted her to live, but only so she could feel pain.

the green gem's mind was so caught up in her thoughts, the endless war against herself, that another uninvited memory quickly invaded.

XXX

The young green gem was met with a punch in the gut. She flew backwards, letting out a faint whimper as her body slammed against the wall. Pain shot through the green gem's body quickly, starting sharply, but swiftly subsiding to a dull ache. Peridot forced her eyes to flutter open, squinting at the tall figure of her superior that stood before her. She wanted to retreat into her gem, but she knew that wouldn't make her situation any better. The green gem gazed up at Yellow Diamond, her eyes wide with fear.

"Go hide in your pathetic excuse for a gem, I dare you!" The large, yellow gem sneered, looming over Peridot. "if you do don't expect to ever come out again. I'm going to have fun smashing it to bits!" She mocked, a large smile appearing on her face at the thought.

Peridot wasn't sure if her superior meant it or not, but the yellow gem seemed pretty serious. The smirk on her leader's face scared the green gem. She didn't want to be shattered. She didn't want to be hurt. Peridot couldn't help but ask herself why Yellow Diamond did this to her. She knew the answer to that question, she was weak and pathetic, but the words still tumbled out of her mouth in a shaky, fear filled voice. "W-why are y-you hurting me?" Regret flooded through her as soon as the words were out of her mouth.

"Why?! What do you think?! Why do you think I'm doing this?" The yellow gem growled, her smirk disappearing.

"I..I-" Peridot began to whimper, but was cut off as her superior began screaming.

"YOU ARE DEFECTIVE! USELESS! YOU DON'T HAVE A WEAPON! WHAT GOOD IS A GEM WITHOUT A WEAPON?!" Yellow Diamond yelled at the top of her lungs, glaring down at the young green gem that sat below her, shaking in fear.

"I-I can b-be useful!" Peridot protested, her voice an uncontrollable, shaking, whimpering mess. The green gem honestly wasn't sure if it was true. It didn't feel true, but she was desperate.

Yellow diamond was silent for a few seconds, before letting out a low, cold, malicious chuckle. The smirk reappeared, somehow even more wicked and cruel than before. "If you would like to prove yourself useful, then stand still." She said in an incredibly low and dark tone that almost sounded like a whisper. There was a murderous glint in the yellow gem's eyes that hasn't been there before.

Peridot bit her lip nervously, confused and scared. She didn't understand. 'What is she going to do to me?' The question ran through her mind over and over again, unanswered, but if she could tell one thing from the strange glint in the yellow gem's eye it was that it wasn't going to be pleasant. Peridot wasn't sure she wanted to find out. "N-no please I-I don't wanna-" the small gem pleaded in a whisper, her green eyes wide with fear.

Her superior was wearing the biggest smirk on her face at that point. Peridot was sure that couldn't be a good sign. She began shaking violently as Yellow Diamond moved closer.

Then she felt a finger touch the green gemstone on her forehead gently, pressing down with the slightest bit of pressure.

Peridot's eyes widened even further with realization. "N-no p-please no d-don't... Please..." She begged, her voice barely audible as it shook with pure terror.

"Tell me, Is a gem really a gem without their weapon?" The yellow gem asked in a tone that almost sounded friendly. Probably the friendliest Peridot had ever heard out of her leader, but the smirk and glint were still there.

Peridot didn't answer. Her mouth hung open as she tried to speak, but she was too afraid. She didn't want to die, but her leader was right. Why should she live if she was useless, pathetic. She would be more useful as a pile of shards. But still the words would not come out of the green gem's mouth.

"answer me" the yellow gem growled suddenly, the friendliness in her tone disappearing for a moment.

"No my diamond." The small gem managed to squeak. He voice sounded weak next to her superior's, making her feel even smaller than she already did.

"If your gem can't summon a weapon then what is the point?" The Yellow Gem asked, though it wasn't really a question. She gave a small amused sort as if someone had just made joke before continuing in a strange, sarcastic tone. "It'd be a shame if your gem was cracked, because you wouldn't be able to summon your weapon and you'd be nothing but a useless pile of trash...oh wait!" Yellow Diamond exclaimed, her finger suddenly pushing harder on the green gemstone.

Then there was a sickening crack.

It was like fire. Peridot's forehead burned with unimaginable pain. She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted to wail at the top of her lungs, but she didn't. The green gem forced herself to hold it in as her forehead seared with pain.

Yellow Diamond gazed down at the smaller green gem, obviously proud of her accomplishment. The grin on her face was sickening, full of cruel pride and malice. Everything about the yellow gem was intimidating and evil.

The small gem was weeping as silently as she could. It was hard, but the green gem wouldn't dare sob or wail. she was afraid her superior would hurt her again for causing too much noise. Peridot stared up into the yellow eyes of her leader, dread and fear filling her."I'm..sorry." the green gem whimpered through her tears.

"You should be." Yellow Diamond growled, still smirking widely. In a quick, fluid motion the yellow gem left, leaving Peridot alone, sobbing on the ground.

She just let herself cry.

XXX  
Peridot awoke from her trance with a loud sob. Tears streamed down her face, but the throbbing pain in her forehead was gone, nothing more than a part of the memory.

Though if she tried to remember she could still feel it.

Peridot wiped the tears from her face, thinking about the moments she had just witnessed. 'Why would Yellow Diamond do that..?' Peridot knew that, the yellow gem had said it herself, but she still didn't understand why the gem she practically worshiped would do such a thing. Yes, she was weak. Yes, she was useless, but why?

'Defective...' That one simple word made everything a lot clearer. To be defective, that was even worse than just being weak and pathetic. A defective gem was better shattered then alive. 'And that means... I'm better off shattered.'

As the green gem thought, her hand seemed to move toward to assortment of tools as if it had a mind of its own. She barely even registered as it came back, holding a hammer firmly in its grip.'N-now I definitely can't tell them...' Peridot thought, referring to the Crystal Gems. 'Not after calling them that... Not after insulting them like that... What If they start doing the same thing that Yellow Diamond was doing?' The thought filled the green gem with horror. She didn't want to go through that again, not after all she had just found out.

Her breath became heavy as she raised the hammer. She was beginning to hyperventilate and began to feel a little light-headed. 'I can't... I can't... I can't...' The words ran through her mind on loop, but what couldn't she do.

She raised the hammer closer to her face. 'I can't take this.' With that though she brought the hammer to her own gemstone.

There was a crack, and then pain. Just like in the memory. Burning, searing, aching.

Peridot dropped the hammer and raised a shaking hand to her forehead. As she touched the green stone she felt it. A large crack splitting through her gem down the middle. It was cracked, but not quite shattered.

Like in the memory she wouldn't cry, or wail, or scream. She held it in. Peridot wouldn't let anyone know. She COULDN'T let anyone know. She was lucky none of them had heard her yet. She couldn't take a chance.

She couldn't tell anyone now.

The green gem reached up to her hair, pulling down a few blonde strands over her gem. She quietly scurried

into the bathroom, peering into the mirror. The strands of hair hung over her gem, covering most of the green gemstone and hiding the crack. 'This should do...I guess...'

Peridot sat against the wall on the cold tile floor, not wanting to walk back. She felt exhausted, too tired to stand. She just sat, alone, wondering about the latest memory.

XXX

The next morning, all gems had already left for the farm. Peridot had heard the door the the house outside open and slam shut not long ago. She hadn't bothered to get up. She didn't want to go with them, she felt drained. It's not like they really needed her anyway. The Pearl had enough intelligence to build the drill on her own and the others didn't need her help. They could handle this without her, maybe even do better without her help. 'I'm useless..what help could I provide?' Was the excuse she repeated over and over in her head.

The green gem was too lost in thought to hear the bathroom door crack open.

"Peridot?" A familiar voice asked. Peridot didn't have to look up to recognize it as Pearl. The green gem could see a reflection of the white one's face in the mirror out of the corner or her eye. She stared at the other gem's concerned expression warily.

The tall gem took a few steps forward, there was a quiet creak as the door closed. "What are you still doing here? Everyone left.." Her tone was filled with confusion and slight curiosity.

Peridot didn't speak. The words seemed stuck in her throat. The green gem's mouth hung open as she tried to force herself to say something. The only words that escaped her lips where a faint, "I'm sorry..." It was barely more than a whisper.

"For what?" The concern on Pearl's face deepened.

Her worry for the smaller gem was clear.

"Everything." Peridot croaked, her voice cracking.

it sounded dead, lifeless.

Pearl sat down beside her and Peridot shifted

uncomfortably, turning away from the other gem. She looked down at the floor, focusing on the line of grout between two tiles.

"Peridot..what's wrong?" Pearl asked, confused and concerned by the green gem's behavior. She had never seen her like this before.

The smaller gem shook her head slightly as she stared at the grout. "Go away." Peridot ordered, though her tone wasn't angry or annoyed. It was sad, choked up, even scared. "Just... leave me alone. You can work on the drill without me." Her words were a lie. There was still a small part of the gem that didn't want Pearl to leave. That didn't want to be alone with her thoughts.

"We need you, Peridot! You posses a lot of knowledge on the cluster! You know exactly what we need to destroy it!" Pearl argued quickly.

Peridot crossed her arms, focusing even harder on the ground to keep herself from looking up. She barely noticed as a mumbled statement tumbled out of her mouth. "I'd prefer if the cluster would just hurry up and kill me..." It was true though. She may be scared by the monstrous fusion that sat in the very core of the Earth, but she didn't care anymore.  
Pearl was shocked, and her face clearly showed it. The green gem had always been so scared of the Cluster. 

"Peridot?" She paused for a moment. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong!" It was stern, and even a little stubborn, but there was still a gentle concern in the tall gem's voice.

The green gem didn't reply for a while, shaking as she clutched herself tightly "I-I can't tell you" She whimpered.

Peridot was terrified. Terrified of everything. Terrified of Yellow Diamond and the Cluster and what the others might do if they knew.

"Why not? Why are you acting like this? What is wrong?!" There was anger in Pearl's voice now, but it was a concerned anger.

Peridot stared at the grout in between the tiles, determined not to reply. She shifted around, trying to turn further away from the tall gem. She laid her head against the wall, facing away from Pearl, trying to ignore the tears welling up in her eyes.

Barely a moment passed before a slender hand clamped around her wrist.

"PERIDOT WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?!" Pearl screamed, holding Peridot's wrist firmly in her fingers.

Peridot tensed up as the taller gem yelled.

She carefully glanced at Pearl out of the corner of her eye. The other gem's eyes were wide, freaking out at this discovery. It only scared the green gem more. She quickly looked back at the ground.

"Nothing." Peridot whimpered, but she felt like she needed to say more. The green gem took a deep breath, surprising herself with the coldness in her tone as she continued. "I've been doing nothing BUT living in my own personal hell." She yanked her arm out of Pearl's grip.

Pearl stared at Peridot blankly for a moment.

"what do you mean by 'personal hell'?" She asked slowly, only feeling more concerned for the green gem now.

Slowly, the green gem felt tears of pent up emotion sting the corners of her eyes. She fidgeted uncomfortably as she tried to keep the tears at bay. She didn't want to tell. "I-I..." The small gem managed to choke out, but didn't say anything more. She quickly buried her head in her knees, sobbing quietly.

"Peridot, look at me. Pearl spoke gently and slowly, worried about the other gem.

Peridot's sobbing grew louder and tears poured down her cheeks. She didn't want this. She didn't want any of this. What wouldn't it all just go away? She didn't want Pearl to know. She didn't want any of them to know. "I can't..just leave me alone..I don't want to be here! I don't want to be anywhere!"

She managed to say between sobs.

"Please?" Pearl asked. There was a certain comfort in her voice. A comfort Peridot had never really known, but it made her feel safe. It made her feel like the taller gem wouldn't hurt her, like it would all be alright, but how would she be sure that the voice wasn't trying to deceive her?

Still, it felt right and right now the green gem needed something to trust.  
Peridot lifted her head slowly, turning toward Pearl nervously. She kept her head angled downward, but her eyes looked up at the taller gem.

Pearl gasped, and Peridot winced in response.

Shame and fear flooded through the green gem. That couldn't be a good sign.

Peridot's face was not at all how she remembered

it. Her vibrant green eyes were gone, replaced by dull, grayish orbs that seemed void and lifeless, and her hair was a mess, frizzy and distorted. Peridot herself was a mess. A big, fallen apart, distorted mess.

Pearl swiped some of the hair away from her face in a pathetic attempt to restore some order, but what she saw next scared her more than anything she had seen yet. A huge crack along the bright green gemstone. Pearl's mouth hung open in disbelief. "P-peridot. Your g-gem." She stuttered.

Peridot just nodded solemnly, not able to make eye contact with the other gem now. What did it have to her of all gems to find this? Why couldn't it have been Steven or even Amethyst? Why did it have to be the one she despised most?

Pearl took a deep breath. "How-" She stopped

herself as she realized, "You cracked your own gem, didn't you?" It wasn't really a question, she knew the answer, but it only sent more questions spinning around her mind. "Why?"

'Why her? Why the gem who started all of this?' Peridot asked herself silently.

Even the perma-fusion would have been preferable.

pearl had discovered the cuts, the crack, everything. And now she wanted answers the green gem didn't want to give.

"Peridot, please. Just tell me why." Pearl pleaded.

There was no point left in hiding anything. No point in lying or pretending everything was alright. Pearl had discovered too much and there was nothing she could do. Nothing but tell the truth. "Memories..." Peridot whispered, still avoiding eye contact. "horrible, horrible memories.." She could remember them all as if she had just lived them. They played over and over in her head, repeating and repeating with no end. There was a small part of the gem that was a little relieved to admit it though.

"Can I see these memories?" Pearl asked.

Peridot hesitated, but but quickly reminded herself that there was no use in hiding. Pearl wouldn't give up until she saw it all for herself. "I-I'll try." She said quietly, silently hoping her gem was too cracked to work. Sadly, for her, the green gemstone still managed to project the images, though they were a little blurry and gave her a terrible headache.

Pearl watched in utter horror while Peridot tried not to watch, attempting to cover her eyes as horrible memories played one after another.

Yet the green gem couldn't keep herself from peering through her fingers as the holograms played. It was almost like reliving it all for a third time now. She could clearly remember the pain in her stomach when her superior had kicked her and when she had been punched in the face. When her past self was on the verge of tears she was too. When the younger her felt hurt, useless, and terrified her own feelings mirrored it.

Peridot glanced at Pearl as she tried not to stare at the memories that had tormented her, wondering what the taller gem was thinking. What she would do after seeing this. The other gem looked terrified. Her blue eyes stared intently at the holograms, narrowed in confusion and her mouth hung open slightly.

It looked almost sorrowful. Peridot scowled, wondering how much longer that would last.

Yellow Diamond's voice blasted from the blurry

holographic images loudly, screaming insults in an angry tone. "YOU ARE DEFECTIVE!" The leader yelled.

Pearl tensed at the word, glancing down at the smaller gem and the their eyes met for a moment. Peridot quickly looked back at the images her gem was displaying, feeling even worse than before. A feeling of dread came over her and she began to worry.

The holograms ended, leaving the room in silence.

Peridot looked back at the tile floor, trying to hold back the new wave of tears welling up in her eyes. She wanted to say something. Maybe apologize once again or beg, but before she could get the words out of her mouth, she felt two arms wrap around her in a gentle embrace. Peridot tensed at the white gem's gesture, confused. Where was the punch in the face? The kicking and insults and mocking? After everything Peridot had said. After everything Peridot had done. After calling her defective and insulting her in every way. Why?

"It's okay, Peridot." Pearl said in a gentle, almost choked tone. Her hands rubbed against the green gem's back comfortably as she held her close. "It's alright."

Tears began to fall down the smaller gem's cheek and she sobbed quietly in the white gem's embrace. There was something pricking at the back of the green gem's conscious. Some slight sense of familiarity, but a good feeling, not like the dread of all the other memories. It was like the past melded with the present as she remembered.

XXX

Large arms, much larger than Pearl's, surrounded the young gem, holding her gently, swaying her back and forth as she sobbed into a large gem's chest. She remembered a large pain in her forehead just moments ago, but it was gone now, faded into a dull headache.

"It's okay." The gem spoke quietly. Her voice was powerful, but held a gentleness and compassion that Yellow Diamond's didn't have.

Peridot glanced up, blinking away the tears, trying to make out the gem that stood over her. The one that had fixed her gem. Bright light shone from behind her and all she could see was a silhouette with a bit of color on the edges. She was a large gem that towered over Peridot, with long flowing curls

that cascaded over her shoulders. From the little bit of color on the edges, the green gem could tell that they were pink.

"It's okay. Yellow Diamond can't hurt you right now. I won't let her." She spoke calmly and Peridot could make out a faint smile on her lips.

A smile that filled the green gem with relief.

It was an honest smile of someone who would never lie. Soothing and just a little wistful. It was a smile she knew she could trust.

The smile left her face and the gem's black eyes looked down worriedly. "You need to rest. A cracked gem is a big deal. I may have fixed it, but you should still rest."

Peridot frowned, opening her mouth to argue, but she knew the gem was right. She was tired and struggling to keep her eyes open as she lowered her gaze.

"You're safe here." The voice of the gem standing

over her and Pearl melded into one. Peridot could hear the comfort and sorrow in both. It was enough to bring a fresh wave of tears to the green gem's eyes, but not tears of sadness or hurt or pain. Tears of joy.

Peridot looked up after the last seconds of the memory faded and she was left back to just the present to see Pearl with tears of her own. It made Peridot feel surprisingly good. Like she wasn't alone. Carefully, Peridot wrapped her arms around Pearl's waist, returning the hug and buried her head

in the taller gem's chest, letting the the tears fall down her face freely. "I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She spoke quietly

"I know." Pearl whispered. "I forgive you."

The words were gentle and sincere, bringing a smile to the green gem's face.

"Thank you." Peridot replied weakly, the smile taking over her entire face. She felt happy for once. She didn't have to worry about Yellow Diamond and those memories couldn't hurt her anymore. Maybe things would be okay here on Earth. Maybe everything would work out. The effect the past had had on her would never leave the green gem completely, but maybe she could make her future better. Her superior couldn't bother her here. She was safe. She was free.

"Come on." Pearl said quietly, slowly breaking

away from the smaller gem. "Let's get your gem fixed up." She extended a hand toward the other gem.

Peridot took the white gem's hand with little hesitation, smiling up at the taller gem thankfully. Yes, things would be better here. Things would be better now. She could be happy here, among these gems. Finally, she could be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> ahah, who doesn't like feels? Well, lots of people actually...  
> Anywho, this was written immediately after too far and i wrote it with the ever appreciated help of pink and dazz from fanfiction.net.


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